August 6th, 2014

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straight-forwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way of loving than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Sonnet XVIII, Pablo Neruda.
June 4th, 2014

Confession of a girl who (used to) sings.

I miss the stage, the place that could bring a bundle of joy or an ocean full of tears. The place where dreams and wishes came true, the place where memories are made, the place where I do belong. I miss the vibe, that sound of excitement and ovations. That snoopy-happy-dance feeling that it brings. I miss our togetherness, our quirkiness, the chaos that follows.

And I realise I miss everything. I miss who I used to be, what I used to do. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I’ve lost myself since that day it ended. 

January 24th, 2014
Dan di dunia ini manusia bukan berduyun-duyun lahir di dunia dan berduyun-duyun pula mati seperti dunia dalam pasar malam. Seorang-seorang mereka datang dan pergi. Dan, yang belum pergi dengan cemas-cemas menunggu saat nyawanya terbang entah kemana.
Pramoedya Ananta Toer, 1951
November 25th, 2013

Dream. (Part 2)

I hate to be dreaming of you.
The sweetest dream yet the worst nightmare. The dream of love that is meant to be. The dream of joy, joyful feeling once you brought me, but then I woke up, and reality told me that I’ll never going to feel it again.
I hate having your scent lingers on your old gym-towel.
I hate to remind myself not to wish I could go back to the days when your scent used to linger more than an old towel. It carries more than perfume, it reminds me of the impression that lies within you. I hate to dream about loving you like the world was about to end, then I woke up and I feel the day that it ended.

And…I’m running out of alibis.
I hate looking for a reason to hate you desperately. I can’t pretend to hate everything about you any longer, because there’s a voice within me is telling the truth to be told; I never hate the day I met you. I never hate how I fell in love with you, neither trusting my heart and my world in your hands.

…I hate you for telling me to chase my dreams, yet all you ever did was throw it away.

November 15th, 2013

Dream. (Part 1)

Do you ever find yourself drowning away an old dream that you hate for some reasons, an somehow after years that dream haunts your night again?
I dreamed a dream. Not gonna be talking about Les Miserables’ soundtrack, nor the singer. I’ve just woken up by the sound of your pitchy voice note, singing that same old folk song which I used to love. It was kinda chaos, honestly. I was still blurring, yet I remembered every single thing that gives me goosebumps.
I saw myself, with you beside me, holding my hand, walking around and unexpectedly stopping by the hill then ended up stargazing, just the two of us. No words needed, we didn’t even do a lovey-dovey talk.
We were just laying down to the earth, and watched the stars sparkling with our hands tied together, as simple as that. Yet the longer I saw us, the bigger love I feel.
I’ve never felt such a magical yet peaceful feeling before.
And then I woke up, with your voice popping up my mind. And I realise that all I saw was just a dream. I’m all alone in my bed, with no one holds my hand. I look up to the sky, and I see nothing but a cloud and a heavy rain. Not even the stars, they refuse to shine for us.
(to be continued)

October 15th, 2013

All my luggages are packed, I’m about to go to that small town. All of a sudden, the memories of you flashed back in my dream last night. It brings back to the memories when I learned how to scream at the top of my lungs, when the freedom came to me, when I found you.

It was enchanting to meet you, really. You made me realize how I’ve been waiting in vain for the past 2 years. You made me realize that all that I did lately was sitting down, and waiting for nothing. In the middle of my chaos, there was you. Giving a new hope in every single morning I woke up. Making me learn how to appreciate things. You taught me how to appreciate the rainbow, after cursing the rain. It’s just like loving again after experiencing the pain.

But then again, whoever said that love lasts forever was totally drunk. Yea, I know forever is a biggest lie. All we have is just between hello and goodbye. The storm came in, and tried to ruined us. And our hands were way too small to handle it.

And here I am, just making up my mind. To go back to that same old small town, remembering us, and finally allow myself to let you go.

Letting go is not easy, I know. But at least once you taught me how to, didn’t you? ;)